I used to believe that divorce only influenced childhood—messy custody swaps, switching schools, a family portrait cut in two. But I was 24 when my parents separated, and the impact on my adult life was subtle, profound, and long-lasting.
This is not another post about how to deal with parents’ divorce; I’ve already written about that. This is about what occurs next. About how my parents’ divorce shaped me in subtle, long-term ways—how it altered my notions about love, home, commitment, and even who I believed I was. How the echoes of that phone conversation continue to influence how I show up in relationships, how I perceive commitment, and how I define “home.”
Here’s How It Quietly Changed Me
1. I Stopped Believing in Permanence
I grew up believing that some things, including people, were permanent. Marriage. Home. Parents act as a unit.
That idea died the day my mother called to announce she had left my father. In its place, I developed a peaceful assumption that anything may end, including the things that felt most solid.
It made me cautious, and often unnecessarily so. I check relationships for symptoms of fracture. Stability is something I question. It’s not cynicism, but trauma disguised as realism.
2. I Became the Emotional Bridge Between My Parents
After my parents’ divorce, I served as an emotional bridge between them. They would tell me stories I hadn’t asked for. They would seek validation. Connection. Support.
I began to notice how frequently I assumed the role of “fixer” – not just with them, but everywhere. At work. Within friendships. Within my relationship.
And I discovered how easy it was to carry something that wasn’t mine.
So now, whenever I feel myself drifting into that character, I halt. I wonder if this is mine to keep? Usually, it’s not. That inquiry in itself has become a limit.
Photo by Marcin Dębiński on Unsplash
3. I Learned That Love Can Be Real—and Still End.
My parents previously loved each other. They raised children, celebrated milestones, and faced adversity.
Nevertheless, their marriage ended.
It showed me that love isn’t always enough. Staying necessitates more than just sentiments; it necessitates conversation, progress, and repeated choices for each other.
That fact terrified me for a long. However, over time, it has made me more intentional. I talk it out. I pay attention. I don’t believe that love ensures eternity.
4. I Started Building ‘Home’ Instead of Searching for It
The house I grew up in no longer seems like home. My father lives there. My mother doesn’t. The dynamics are different. The air is different.
So I quit chasing a version of “home” that no longer existed.
Instead, I began building it. With routines. With folks who feel secure. I build soft areas for myself.
I no longer visit home. It is a sensation that I cultivate.
5. I Realised Boundaries Aren’t Walls—They’re Doors
I had no boundaries for the first year following their separation. I listened, assisted, and mediated. I did not want anyone to feel abandoned.
But I felt exhausted.
Learning to say, “I can’t have this conversation right now” or “I’m not the right person for this” changed everything. I used to think boundaries were walls. Now I know they’re doors — ones I choose when and how to open.
6. I Grieved the Version of Me That Believed in Foreversion of myself
Their divorce altered not only the dynamics of our family but also me.
I ached for the daughter who thought her parents’ narrative was straightforward. Who assumed that family meant predictability? Who thought she’d never have to divide holidays or feel guilty about choosing one parent over the other?
But grief has a way of changing us. It gradually provided me with clarity.
Final Thoughts: You’re Not Behind—You’re Becoming
My parents’ divorce influenced me in a variety of ways. It’s a twisting trail of realizations that continues to unravel – slowly, painfully, and honestly.
It made me softer in some parts and harsher in others. How my parents’ divorce shaped me isn’t just a past event—it’s an ongoing process of rediscovery and growth. It helped me be more intentional with my love, more protective of my serenity, and more grounded in self-trust.
If your parents divorced, whether recently or years ago, and you’re still trying to figure out what that means for you, don’t worry: that’s normal. That is real.
You’re not behind. You’re becoming.
If this story resonated with you, explore 5 Ways to Cope When Life Feels Meaningless for emotional support strategies, or learn the signs in When Does Anxiety Become an Anxiety Disorder? to better understand your own mental health journey.
